I can't lose another child

Why Harm Reduction? I can’t lose another child.

While recently attending a Harm Reduction Works-HRW meeting I was asked how I came to the practice of harm reduction. I have worked the 12 steps from all angles, and while they were an excellent road map for my life when I was young, I found that they weren’t as useful for me as an adult trying to cope with the fear around my son’s issues with Substance Use Disorder. All programs are not for everyone, all of the time.

My son has been struggling with SUD and alcoholism for a long time. He spent a total of one and a half years in residential treatment, trying to be abstinent and it just didn’t work. In fact he was introduced to some very harmful new substances while in treatment. Don’t get me wrong, he was also exposed to some very positive influences. I was so sure he was going to die, I tried to prepare for it over and over again in my head.

I know this sounds ridiculous, because the death of one’s child is not something that a Mom can prepare for. I have lost two children I raised. Both were in college and both were 20. No one ever saw it coming. Neither of them had major substance issues and both had substance related deaths. Both had jobs, were in college and by all accounts very successful. My son was in an alcohol related car crash after leaving a frat party on his birthday. My step daughter took a pill to help her sleep. She had no idea it was laced with fentanyl. She overdosed while she was sleeping. My heartbreak is immeasurable. My life is often extremely painful and forever changed.

There was a time I believed in what is typically described as tough love. Not enabling my son meant cutting him off from family events, food, shelter and money as long as he kept using. I believed if I did the right thing as a parent and took a zero tolerance policy when it comes to alcohol and drugs, it would bring him to his senses. 

If only it were that easy. 

Unfortunately tough love didn’t work to shield my family from SUD and occasional drug and alcohol use. Now I believe I can’t always dictate what my children do. “Because I say so,” does not work. This world we live in is very unsafe. The drugs of today are very unforgiving. We have lost so many people. The only thing I can do as a parent is create honest relationships. Without honesty we can’t talk about what is currently out there and how they can protect themselves.

As a parent it is up to me to make sure there is a relationship that fits me and my son. This means acknowledging his struggles but also his changes and efforts. Our relationship is not enabling and does not cut him off either. We need each other. Our relationship is not cookie cutter and it’s less than perfect, but it is full of love. I know he can not get better without the love of his family. When I approached our relationship with tough love, I could not see how he was getting better, how he was trying and succeeding at reducing his risk. Instead I only saw failure and he knew it. If I remained rigidly attached to him being free from all substances and alcohol, I could not have a relationship with him. 

I can’t lose him to abstinence.

I prefer to meet him where he is and preserve our relationship. I spent many years pushing him away, waiting for him to be totally free of drinking and drug use. That hurt both of us very deeply. Tough love is touted as the only solution to a loved one’s SUD. It is what I was told to do when I sought help and guidance. It was very damaging. While I meant it to be loving, I discovered it wasn’t. He continued on his path without me and I lost him. Realistically, he is not ready to stop everything. I didn’t see him not because he did not want to see me. I didn’t see him because of me. I thought I was helping him. Tough love did not help and made things worse for both of us.

If something were to happen to him, I couldn’t live with the fact he didn’t know how much I love him, how much I appreciate all of his good qualities. He is funny. He is kind hearted and strong. He works so hard I cannot help but respect him. I cannot help loving him. He is my son.

Harm reduction has taught me to celebrate the small improvements and open my communication with him in a way he doesn’t feel judged. Instead, he feels supported, seen and cared for. He talks to me about his life and I get to be his mom. Our communication is much more truthful than it has ever been and the boundaries we set with each other are much more healthy, kind and fruitful.

There was a time when I told him not to come to family events if he’d been drinking or was high. I saw this as a choice he had to make, his family or drugs and alcohol. Realistically, this was never a choice for him and he stopped coming around. When I started to change my thinking and look at how tough love was not working for our family and how it was hurting it, we began to talk again. He confessed to me, family gatherings caused him a good deal of anxiety and he drank or used to cope so he could come be with us. I was able to tell him I don’t care if he comes to see us on holidays and birthdays if they overwhelm him. Instead, we make a point of seeing each and spending some one on one time together for our own special occasions. He knows I am finally able to meet him where he is. It is how I know to love him.

Leah Finch lives in Easthampton, MA